Shame, shame, shame…
Depression and anxiety are hallmarks of today’s society. Personally, I’ve been in and out of therapy for 18 years starting in elementary school because my teacher noticed that I was pulling out my eyelashes — and well, it’s been up and down ever since.
While I’m past my hair pulling days, the underlying cause of that behavior only grew and festered.
10.9% of adults between 18–25 experienced depression in 2016, the most of any age group (NIMH). — I’m 25.
I started therapy (again) several months ago.
I decided something needed to change and I couldn’t do it alone. Fearing a repeat of past therapeutic experiences, I did my research and found a therapist who didn’t seem out-of-touch, someone who embodied similar values that I did.
So, I took a chance. Within just a few sessions we got to the bottom of my issues, and what we uncovered surprised me.
My depression, anxiety, and feelings of being “stuck” are rooted in shame.
A lot of it. Shame, as it turns out, is fairly common. However, before now, it had never been a part of my dialogue in therapy. So, after learning this about myself, I decided to learn more about shame.
I found Brené Brown, a researcher of the topic who has two excellent TED Talks about shame and vulnerability (linked below). She quotes shame as being the “swampland of the soul”. This is her official definition:
She goes on to say that shame is highly correlated with depression, eating disorders, addiction, violence, and bullying. If you would like to learn more, here are the links to her talks, which go into more detail. (She’s funny too!)
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame#t-863319
https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
Depression and anxiety are a derivative of shame.
The first time shame came up in therapy, I had a visceral reaction. In fact, we were just about to wrap up and my therapist just mentioned the word “shame” offhandedly, but the tears just poured out of me.
“I didn’t know if she’d be awake after school. How could I ever have friends?”
That was the very first thought and memory I associated with feeling shame: my Mom’s alcoholism.
So week after week, I went in and shame came up, that shame that I buried came to the surface. Layer by layer, digging up, and excavating my pain.
My Mom’s addictions, her drinking, her poor health, her reclusion, her smoking and the cigarette smell on my clothes, her overdose and death when I was 14, quitting swimming, having and benefiting from her inheritance.
Shame is often rooted in childhood experiences. Complex situations and emotions cannot be adequately processed and so children internalize their feelings and blame themselves for things that are out of their control. That blame turns into shame.
We talk about shame in the media regarding physical bodies (body shaming), but we don’t discuss how people can feel shame about just being themselves, for existing. Shame causes a person to feel unworthy and unlovable and undeserving of happiness. In turn, that can make a person either strive for perfection and seek attention for achievements, or isolate themselves by hiding their flaws, like I’ve done.
Hiding delays emotional resolution.
That’s the power of shame. It prevents people from feeling worthy of the good things in life. So self-sabotaging behavior like reclusion is common.
Shame often starts in childhood, but then manifests and is most detrimental in adulthood, and then further fueled by negative, self-deprecating thoughts. For me, that feeling of inadequacy stemmed and grew from feeling like I couldn’t make my Mom better. That my effort to help wasn’t enough and that I must not be enough. I was inadequate.
Uncovering that buried part of me has been instrumental to my development as an adult. And with work, reflection, honesty, and self-compassion, I feel like more is possible for my future. I feel a greater sense of agency over my life, and less like I’m at the whim of the Universe. Less stuck and more empowered.
Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It is the fear that we’re not good enough –Brené Brown
While the road ahead is still bumpy, I think going to therapy is a bit like getting new shock absorbers. With continued treatment, I’ll be able to better navigate the future and the ride will be smoother and less treacherous.
And even more importantly, I’ll be moving forward.
A lot of people feel shame and by sharing my story, I hope someone out there will feel less alone.
And here I’ll add this gentle reminder that therapists are trained professionals who know how the brain works better than most people. So, if you have an issue, whether it’s anxiety, depression, a rough patch in a relationship, grief, stress at work, or if you know big changes are coming and want to be prepared, the right therapist can guide you. It’s by no means a requirement, but by not seeking help, you may just be making things worse, and please know that it’s never too late to change course.
Believe me, you aren’t alone.
(First published on Medium.com 2018)
