October Skies

Time seems to have slowed down to a screeching halt. I want, so desperately, to say that I’ve been writing and creating and making this book better, but I haven’t. It’s muddier and messier and the ideas are just stuck. Right now, this book which is 200 pages long, is only touching the surface. And that’s not because I haven’t written enough. It’s not the amount of writing that’s the issue. The problems is how it’s written. The connections I’m trying to make are not hitting. The analogies are not making sense. The chapters aren’t flowing. I have all these pieces and they’re the correct pieces, but I haven’t figured out how they fit together yet.

And because it’s a mess, I know that I’m so close to the break-through.

There’s just a few pieces missing from this and once I figure out those pieces, and what angle they fit, all of it will come together.

One of my greatest challenges with writing this book has been teasing out the details, the emotions, my reactions to things that happened in my life. I can write about it very easily from a clinical perspective. I can say what I feel, but not how I feel or why I feel. And that distinction is what keeps me up at night. I’ve distanced myself so much from my feelings and memories that it’s hard for me to write about them from an authentic perspective. This is hard work, but I am almost there.

Anyway, all that’s to say is that I am close. Maybe closer than I think because once I get those pieces to click, I’ll be done.

That in itself is kind of scary. To be done. This thing I’ve been working on for years. Maybe part of the reason I’m having a hard time finishing is because I’m scared of what will come next. How readers would react. The scariness of the unknown future.

I’m rambling. Just know that I’m chugging along.

In idle, but at least the engine is still warm.